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[rebells]

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[splinten]

[That's a relief, at least.]

I shouted at someone for no real reason, so yeah. I'm not great.

[rebells]

I wouldn't call that no real reason. He could have--well.

[He cuts off, shaking his head a little.]

That's not the point. The point is, we could all have done a little more to de-escalate that situation.

[splinten]

Me and Vantas didn't leave much room to get a word in edgeways.

[Still. That isn't really what's going on anyway.]

You'd think I'd be better at waiting after spending my entire life doing it.

[rebells]

[He's silent. He can't quite bring himself to say that he feels it too, that Dirk is not the only one chafing every moment they have to go on letting the twelve inside be tortured. Who has feelings, am I right?]

. . . we'll get them out. Soon.

[splinten]

Yeah. [He curls up on his knees, resting his chin on top. He isn't quite at the stage of putting his face down yet, but he's getting there.]

I know I'm not the only one.

[He's just the one who lost his temper.]

[rebells]

[He fidgets.]

It's--understandable, under the circumstances.

[splinten]

You're fidgeting, bro.

[rebells]

[fdsklfds. he makes a face.]

I am not! [ . . . ] I'm fine.

[splinten]

I can pretend to believe you, but we'll both know I know you're full of shit.

[HE'S JUST SAYING]

[rebells]

We're working as quickly as we can, and we'll get them out of there. So there's no reason to--

[Ugh, no, now that sounds like he's accusing Dirk. He slumps forward. He is so bad at this.]

[splinten]

[Dirk doesn't take it as an accusal, when he knows it's a denial. He reaches over and gives Jay a gentle pat.]

[rebells]

[He startles, actually, at that--he's not used to being touched--and blinks up at Dirk. His mouth comes open.]

I'm fine.

[It's an automatic statement, even though we've established that this is a terrible lie. He amends it to,]

. . . I'll be fine. I didn't come up here to talk about myself, you realize.

[splinten]

[He appreciates the amendment, but he pauses.]

I don't know what to say about me. I fucked up, and now we're on a rooftop. We'll save them anyway. Maybe Dave'll know to stay away from me now, I don't know.

[The last comment is more off-handed than the others, more of a slip of thought than what he meant to say. It isn't the focus of his mind but it's there, a nagging thought. Dave will see he's a raging douchebag. Dave will know not to get near him.]

[rebells]

[This presumably makes sense to Dirk, but is so baffling as a conclusion to Jay that he blinks again.]

What?

[splinten]

[Fuck.]

It isn't really relevant. I merely meant that this is more by way of evidence that I'm not a great person to have around.

[rebells]

[He peers at Dirk intently, as though he thinks Dirk might have grown a second head. It doesn't help him understand any better.]

It isn't evidence of anything. What are you talking about?

[splinten]

Jay. [Dirk feels this is obvious? Come on, Jay.] I knew what would hit Karkat hardest and I went for it.

[In part, because it was his own feeling and he was projecting. In part because he believed it was true, and that that was why Karkat was being terrible. But damningly, in part simply because his intuition said it would make Karkat hurt, and Dirk wanted to hurt him.]

[rebells]

You were upset, and you lashed out.

[Slowly, like he's trying to figure something out. Namely, how that leads to the other thing.]

In my experience, that's fairly normal.

[He has done it himself and has never concluded this made him an inherently toxic person to be around??]</small.

[splinten]

I was angry and I attacked someone.

[Not normal and not okay!]

[rebells]

Yes, that . . . tends to happen when people are angry.

[And is also normal, is the very clear subtext here. He's just puzzled at this fundamental disconnect. There's clearly something he's not getting and he doesn't understand what that is?]

[splinten]

I know that. [He's frustrated by Jay not getting this obvious thing.] It's different.

[rebells]

How is it different?

[That's a genuine question. He has absolutely no idea what Dirk is talking about.]

[splinten]

[It isn't sarcastic, which is why Dirk doesn't snap back. Instead, he tries to find a way to articulate it. It's surprisingly difficult, when he usually has words for basically everything.]

I hurt people without being angry at them or attacking them. I'm obnoxious and condescending, and I push my own desires about how people should be on them, and I make them feel like crap. Or I force them to fight unwinnable battles against stupid robots that look just like me in a twisted idea of courtship while claiming it's helpful training, which is definitely worse. That's a universal constant across every iteration of Dirk Strider that ever is or was: I'm a dick who hurts people and acts like I know what's best.

This is just that same toxic, horrible personality slipping out in a really obvious way. Anyone who already knows what I'm like would identify it instantly.

[rebells]

[He listens.

Dirk's response answers some questions, and raises new ones. But--for the most part; this doesn't really seem like the time to inquire about robots--they all boil down to one:]

. . . do you think I don't know you?

[He doesn't know everything about Dirk. That much is true. But he knows enough to know he doesn't recognize the person Dirk is describing.]

[splinten]

[He draws his legs in tighter, his arms closing in a circle around them.]

I think you don't know the kind of bullshit I'm capable of because you've never seen it.