As I said, I don't really know. But I think--the one she hated was the child. The one who couldn't do anything when her parents were murdered right in front of her.
[That hits a little, unexpectedly; it's not like he has parents. But a helpless child--he takes a deep breath and continues.]
The problem is--you can't defeat the image of yourself in the mist just by fighting it. We tried, and it doesn't work. You have to accept it.
[That raises a question, though. Can he accept himself? Even the part of him that was a mindless killer, someone else's weapon? The pathetic child who let himself be used and used again?
[There's a pause, because he almost says, "I've never tried to date you or the person you're into" but he knows how Jay gets about romantic things, so he holds back. So he says, slowly,]
I think I'm capable of being that bad. Sometimes, I get this feeling that I'm capable of things so much worse than I've even thought of. That's in the context of someone who can think of some pretty impressively bad actions he would consider possible.
[But he has watched Dave. Once before, and now here. He's listened to what Dave said, and what others who knew Dave said. He has an intuition. And that's still him.]
[What a surprise. Dirk Strider is a pushy asshole. Someone tell the news.
Dirk stops that train of thought and regroups.]
I know you have your own things, and maybe you don't want to talk about them right now, so I'll lay out mine. I think to a degree, everyone, or at least most people, experience splinters of themselves. We behave in different ways around different people or in different circumstances, and there are always possible courses we didn't follow but that we can imagine ourselves in. But sometimes, for me at least, it feels like they're... haunting me. Like I can't get away from them, from myself, no matter what I do. I can't even get high, it just doesn't happen. My mind is just unable to escape itself.
[He lets go of the shades that aren't really in his hands.]
I can't seem to untangle those possibilities from the choices I do make. Like you said, with that mist, the point is probably to accept them. And sure, I know they're part of the holistic Dirk as envisioned by all the possibilities that exist in me, but I don't think anything will make me stop hating them. Still, I can try to accept it. I guess what I'm stuck on is, what do you do after that?
It's also possible that a better answer might not help. I think there are certain things that are easier to help someone with if you're at least part-way into it too. The blind have a better idea what kind of directions mean something to a blind person, so thank fuck they're the ones leading them.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 11:27 pm (UTC)As I said, I don't really know. But I think--the one she hated was the child. The one who couldn't do anything when her parents were murdered right in front of her.
[That hits a little, unexpectedly; it's not like he has parents. But a helpless child--he takes a deep breath and continues.]
The problem is--you can't defeat the image of yourself in the mist just by fighting it. We tried, and it doesn't work. You have to accept it.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 11:54 pm (UTC)The guy in the mist is kind of an asshole, though.
[He knows Jay is right. He doesn't know how to accept himself. The horrible truths are something he believes but still hates.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 02:16 am (UTC)[That raises a question, though. Can he accept himself? Even the part of him that was a mindless killer, someone else's weapon? The pathetic child who let himself be used and used again?
He doesn't think about it.]
. . . for the record. You aren't that bad.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 02:24 am (UTC)I think I'm capable of being that bad. Sometimes, I get this feeling that I'm capable of things so much worse than I've even thought of. That's in the context of someone who can think of some pretty impressively bad actions he would consider possible.
[But he has watched Dave. Once before, and now here. He's listened to what Dave said, and what others who knew Dave said. He has an intuition. And that's still him.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 02:37 am (UTC)[Shirley, after all, was capable of genocide. She just decided differently.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 02:39 am (UTC)Are you scared to not exist?
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 02:52 am (UTC). . . I don't want to die, if that's what you mean.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 02:54 am (UTC)[He doesn't elaborate. He thinks Jay understands the question.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 03:00 am (UTC)I'm . . . fairly certain I exist.
[The question has always been what is doing the existing.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 03:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 03:14 am (UTC)That might be enough of an answer in itself.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 03:38 am (UTC)[What a surprise. Dirk Strider is a pushy asshole. Someone tell the news.
Dirk stops that train of thought and regroups.]
I know you have your own things, and maybe you don't want to talk about them right now, so I'll lay out mine. I think to a degree, everyone, or at least most people, experience splinters of themselves. We behave in different ways around different people or in different circumstances, and there are always possible courses we didn't follow but that we can imagine ourselves in. But sometimes, for me at least, it feels like they're... haunting me. Like I can't get away from them, from myself, no matter what I do. I can't even get high, it just doesn't happen. My mind is just unable to escape itself.
[He lets go of the shades that aren't really in his hands.]
I can't seem to untangle those possibilities from the choices I do make. Like you said, with that mist, the point is probably to accept them. And sure, I know they're part of the holistic Dirk as envisioned by all the possibilities that exist in me, but I don't think anything will make me stop hating them. Still, I can try to accept it. I guess what I'm stuck on is, what do you do after that?
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 04:02 am (UTC)[But that answer feels somehow incomplete; he shakes his head a little.]
It's . . . possible someone else would have a better answer for you.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 07:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 04:04 pm (UTC)[A small smile, although he can't help the continued conviction that Senel or Shirley would have something more to say.]
. . . you keep trying to be the--person--you want to be. You keep trying until there isn't anything left to try. That's what I think.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-09 05:39 am (UTC)[He can do that, at least. He can keep trying that. He's so tired, he feels like a failure at every turn. But he can do that.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-10 12:39 am (UTC). . . were you planning on going back? We still have some time.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-10 08:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-10 04:24 pm (UTC)All right.
[And one presumes they make their way back to the meeting from there.]