If he doesn't with you, either you're surprisingly consistent around him, or he's making a conscious choice not to. He's both analytic and curious by nature.
[Forget the point, Dirk is still a pain in the ass and is going to point out the mistake here.]
[When it comes down to it, what he really wants to know is why Dirk is so intent on convincing himself that he's a bad person. He doesn't understand that.]
Once you actually get to talk to yourself, even or maybe especially if it's yourself as a supercomputer in a pair of sunglasses, you end up developing a fairly comprehensive set of feelings towards yourself. Three years with my AI clone was enough to give me a good idea of everything I hate about myself.
[There's a lot of that explanation he doesn't get, not being from a world with supercomputers in pairs of sunglasses. But something about it strikes a chord.]
It's a threat we dealt with on my world. We never figured out exactly what it was before--well. [Focus. This isn't the point. He's not entirely sure what the point is--he's not quite sure where he's going with this, but he keeps talking.]
It takes the shape of the darkness in people's hearts, and drives them to despair.
[He's about to say no. But then he remembers that night, the night before he gave Shirley over to Solon: how hopeless he felt, how sure he was that no one would miss him if he disappeared.
The Oresoren would miss him, wouldn't they?
Would Dirk?]
. . . maybe. It never manifested--it tends to take the shape of the person it's targeting. But . . . .
[He doesn't push, but he continues to watch him. The shades are a mask but it's the same way Dirk has been at other times when Jay has been unsure about saying something: he waits and listens.]
. . . I might have encountered it the night before I came to the coven.
[Feeling that conviction--you are not a person--like a certainty. The sense of hopelessness accompanying it. Had that been the black mist?
He can think about that later. This was supposed to be about Dirk.]
That's not the point, anyway. The mist . . . pushed its targets towards different things. To give up on a long-held dream, or to walk into the darkness and never return. And then--
I traveled with a girl called Chloe for a while. She'd lost her parents to a murderer several years before we met.
She was an heir to a noble house, but she left her claim to it and became a knight after that. She traveled the world searching for her parents' murderer. To take revenge.
Finally, she found him on the Legacy. But she found herself hesitating at first. There were mitigating circumstances. The mist pushed her to forget about those and give into her hate.
No. In the end, she turned away from her parents' murderer and faced the black mist instead. It had taken the form of her younger self.
[He struggles to articulate why he's telling this story to Dirk, what he wanted Dirk to get out of it. It just--feels relevant.]
. . . before she did that, she said something interesting. That from the beginning, she'd never really wanted revenge. [ . . . ] I never asked her. But I think--her quest for revenge wasn't really about her parents' murderer. It was about herself.
As I said, I don't really know. But I think--the one she hated was the child. The one who couldn't do anything when her parents were murdered right in front of her.
[That hits a little, unexpectedly; it's not like he has parents. But a helpless child--he takes a deep breath and continues.]
The problem is--you can't defeat the image of yourself in the mist just by fighting it. We tried, and it doesn't work. You have to accept it.
[That raises a question, though. Can he accept himself? Even the part of him that was a mindless killer, someone else's weapon? The pathetic child who let himself be used and used again?
[There's a pause, because he almost says, "I've never tried to date you or the person you're into" but he knows how Jay gets about romantic things, so he holds back. So he says, slowly,]
I think I'm capable of being that bad. Sometimes, I get this feeling that I'm capable of things so much worse than I've even thought of. That's in the context of someone who can think of some pretty impressively bad actions he would consider possible.
[But he has watched Dave. Once before, and now here. He's listened to what Dave said, and what others who knew Dave said. He has an intuition. And that's still him.]
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no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 02:44 am (UTC)[Forget the point, Dirk is still a pain in the ass and is going to point out the mistake here.]
What am I supposed to do here?
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Date: 2018-02-05 02:53 am (UTC)You could stop arguing with me about how terrible you are, or whatever point you're trying to make.
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Date: 2018-02-05 02:54 am (UTC)[Great. Now he's being even more of an ass to someone who cares about him and is trying to be a good friend.
He's not raising his face from his hands, ever.]
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Date: 2018-02-05 03:18 am (UTC)[When it comes down to it, what he really wants to know is why Dirk is so intent on convincing himself that he's a bad person. He doesn't understand that.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 04:34 am (UTC)And then,]
Once you actually get to talk to yourself, even or maybe especially if it's yourself as a supercomputer in a pair of sunglasses, you end up developing a fairly comprehensive set of feelings towards yourself. Three years with my AI clone was enough to give me a good idea of everything I hate about myself.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 08:43 am (UTC). . . did I ever tell you about the black mist?
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 08:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 08:48 am (UTC)It takes the shape of the darkness in people's hearts, and drives them to despair.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 09:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 09:34 am (UTC)The Oresoren would miss him, wouldn't they?
Would Dirk?]
. . . maybe. It never manifested--it tends to take the shape of the person it's targeting. But . . . .
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 03:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 06:14 pm (UTC)[Feeling that conviction--you are not a person--like a certainty. The sense of hopelessness accompanying it. Had that been the black mist?
He can think about that later. This was supposed to be about Dirk.]
That's not the point, anyway. The mist . . . pushed its targets towards different things. To give up on a long-held dream, or to walk into the darkness and never return. And then--
I traveled with a girl called Chloe for a while. She'd lost her parents to a murderer several years before we met.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 08:02 pm (UTC)It targeted her.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 09:25 pm (UTC)She was an heir to a noble house, but she left her claim to it and became a knight after that. She traveled the world searching for her parents' murderer. To take revenge.
Finally, she found him on the Legacy. But she found herself hesitating at first. There were mitigating circumstances. The mist pushed her to forget about those and give into her hate.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 09:34 pm (UTC)She didn't, though.
[When a story is told like this, they don't.]
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Date: 2018-02-05 10:57 pm (UTC)[He struggles to articulate why he's telling this story to Dirk, what he wanted Dirk to get out of it. It just--feels relevant.]
. . . before she did that, she said something interesting. That from the beginning, she'd never really wanted revenge. [ . . . ] I never asked her. But I think--her quest for revenge wasn't really about her parents' murderer. It was about herself.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 11:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 11:27 pm (UTC)As I said, I don't really know. But I think--the one she hated was the child. The one who couldn't do anything when her parents were murdered right in front of her.
[That hits a little, unexpectedly; it's not like he has parents. But a helpless child--he takes a deep breath and continues.]
The problem is--you can't defeat the image of yourself in the mist just by fighting it. We tried, and it doesn't work. You have to accept it.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 11:54 pm (UTC)The guy in the mist is kind of an asshole, though.
[He knows Jay is right. He doesn't know how to accept himself. The horrible truths are something he believes but still hates.]
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Date: 2018-02-06 02:16 am (UTC)[That raises a question, though. Can he accept himself? Even the part of him that was a mindless killer, someone else's weapon? The pathetic child who let himself be used and used again?
He doesn't think about it.]
. . . for the record. You aren't that bad.
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Date: 2018-02-06 02:24 am (UTC)I think I'm capable of being that bad. Sometimes, I get this feeling that I'm capable of things so much worse than I've even thought of. That's in the context of someone who can think of some pretty impressively bad actions he would consider possible.
[But he has watched Dave. Once before, and now here. He's listened to what Dave said, and what others who knew Dave said. He has an intuition. And that's still him.]
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Date: 2018-02-06 02:37 am (UTC)[Shirley, after all, was capable of genocide. She just decided differently.]
no subject
Date: 2018-02-06 02:39 am (UTC)Are you scared to not exist?
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Date: 2018-02-06 02:52 am (UTC). . . I don't want to die, if that's what you mean.
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Date: 2018-02-06 02:54 am (UTC)[He doesn't elaborate. He thinks Jay understands the question.]
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