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[rebells]

We're working as quickly as we can, and we'll get them out of there. So there's no reason to--

[Ugh, no, now that sounds like he's accusing Dirk. He slumps forward. He is so bad at this.]

[splinten]

[Dirk doesn't take it as an accusal, when he knows it's a denial. He reaches over and gives Jay a gentle pat.]

[rebells]

[He startles, actually, at that--he's not used to being touched--and blinks up at Dirk. His mouth comes open.]

I'm fine.

[It's an automatic statement, even though we've established that this is a terrible lie. He amends it to,]

. . . I'll be fine. I didn't come up here to talk about myself, you realize.

[splinten]

[He appreciates the amendment, but he pauses.]

I don't know what to say about me. I fucked up, and now we're on a rooftop. We'll save them anyway. Maybe Dave'll know to stay away from me now, I don't know.

[The last comment is more off-handed than the others, more of a slip of thought than what he meant to say. It isn't the focus of his mind but it's there, a nagging thought. Dave will see he's a raging douchebag. Dave will know not to get near him.]

[rebells]

[This presumably makes sense to Dirk, but is so baffling as a conclusion to Jay that he blinks again.]

What?

[splinten]

[Fuck.]

It isn't really relevant. I merely meant that this is more by way of evidence that I'm not a great person to have around.

[rebells]

[He peers at Dirk intently, as though he thinks Dirk might have grown a second head. It doesn't help him understand any better.]

It isn't evidence of anything. What are you talking about?

[splinten]

Jay. [Dirk feels this is obvious? Come on, Jay.] I knew what would hit Karkat hardest and I went for it.

[In part, because it was his own feeling and he was projecting. In part because he believed it was true, and that that was why Karkat was being terrible. But damningly, in part simply because his intuition said it would make Karkat hurt, and Dirk wanted to hurt him.]

[rebells]

You were upset, and you lashed out.

[Slowly, like he's trying to figure something out. Namely, how that leads to the other thing.]

In my experience, that's fairly normal.

[He has done it himself and has never concluded this made him an inherently toxic person to be around??]</small.

[splinten]

I was angry and I attacked someone.

[Not normal and not okay!]

[rebells]

Yes, that . . . tends to happen when people are angry.

[And is also normal, is the very clear subtext here. He's just puzzled at this fundamental disconnect. There's clearly something he's not getting and he doesn't understand what that is?]

[splinten]

I know that. [He's frustrated by Jay not getting this obvious thing.] It's different.

[rebells]

How is it different?

[That's a genuine question. He has absolutely no idea what Dirk is talking about.]

[splinten]

[It isn't sarcastic, which is why Dirk doesn't snap back. Instead, he tries to find a way to articulate it. It's surprisingly difficult, when he usually has words for basically everything.]

I hurt people without being angry at them or attacking them. I'm obnoxious and condescending, and I push my own desires about how people should be on them, and I make them feel like crap. Or I force them to fight unwinnable battles against stupid robots that look just like me in a twisted idea of courtship while claiming it's helpful training, which is definitely worse. That's a universal constant across every iteration of Dirk Strider that ever is or was: I'm a dick who hurts people and acts like I know what's best.

This is just that same toxic, horrible personality slipping out in a really obvious way. Anyone who already knows what I'm like would identify it instantly.

[rebells]

[He listens.

Dirk's response answers some questions, and raises new ones. But--for the most part; this doesn't really seem like the time to inquire about robots--they all boil down to one:]

. . . do you think I don't know you?

[He doesn't know everything about Dirk. That much is true. But he knows enough to know he doesn't recognize the person Dirk is describing.]

[splinten]

[He draws his legs in tighter, his arms closing in a circle around them.]

I think you don't know the kind of bullshit I'm capable of because you've never seen it.

[rebells]

[Silence. Well, it's possible that Jay doesn't know what Dirk is capable of, just as Dirk doesn't really know what Jay is capable of. He wonders, not for the first time, whether they're the same in more ways than the obvious.

But at the same time--]

--Don't be stupid.

[splinten]

[Jay.]

If you're going to say I'm not as smart as I think I am, Geir—and, weirdly, some dickbag alien I knew—already have you covered.

[rebells]

What?

[Dirk, your asides. He decides the alien thing can also wait.]

No, that's not what I mean. [ . . . ] I may not know everything you're capable of. But unless you've been faking your entire personality for the past six months, I do know you.

[Excuse you for implying that he does not!!]

[splinten]

I'm not saying I'm faking it, it's just like... [He breaks of.]

My understanding of myself is that I'm just an inherently bad person and the things I do are always selfish and toxic. It's something I've come to see growing up, especially after I made a copy of myself to talk to. The more I was exposed to him, the more I was sure that my friends were right about me being an aloof mastermind more machine than man.

That kind of person isn't the kind of person anyone wants to be around if there's nothing to make up for it. So since I'm like that, but I don't want to be alone, the only thing that makes sense is to try to turn that to good ends. Since I'm manipulative, I can try to become a benevolent mastermind guiding people to the best possible outcome. Since I'm heartless, then I can use my inability to feel emotions the right way to stay calm and do the things real people with normal emotions can't handle. I have to become competent, self-sufficient, and above all else useful so that I can make up for my inability to get right anything that actually matters.

But I'm just the asshole without the utility, so it always blows up in my face and ends in disaster. Withdrawing for a few months was okay. But the second I start trying to be useful again, I lose it and go for an open wound that I know is there just because my own pride was struck at. You've never seen it before because I haven't been letting myself try anything like that for the past half a year.

[rebells]

[He listens to the whole thing, a look of increasingly intense skepticism on his face. When it's over, he reaches out and . . .

. . . pushes Dirk. Gently, and not in the "off the roof" direction, but he still pushes him.]

I told you not to be stupid.

[splinten]

[Dirk pushes him back because Dirk is a mature person.]

I set it out pretty logically, bro.

[rebells]

[What does he even do with that?? Pushes Dirk harder, for one.]

You did not. None of that even makes any sense!

[A lot of this could be solved if Jay wasn't too emotionally constipated to say I like you and think you're worthwhile even when you're not being manipulatively helpful, you total assface. Sadly, we have to work with what we have here. And so:]

I--Do you really think you haven't helped anyone in the last six months?

[splinten]

[He opens his mouth to retort, and then shuts it. Then he puts his face in his hands.]

I can absolutely flip this one on you. It proves that another shitty thing I do is discount other people's feelings about me and the events of our relationship in order to support my own narrative of self-loathing. That I was so entrenched in my own bullshit I ignored those things to suit myself backs my point that I suck.

[rebells]

[Crabbily:]

You're contradicting yourself.