I'm not saying I'm faking it, it's just like... [He breaks of.]
My understanding of myself is that I'm just an inherently bad person and the things I do are always selfish and toxic. It's something I've come to see growing up, especially after I made a copy of myself to talk to. The more I was exposed to him, the more I was sure that my friends were right about me being an aloof mastermind more machine than man.
That kind of person isn't the kind of person anyone wants to be around if there's nothing to make up for it. So since I'm like that, but I don't want to be alone, the only thing that makes sense is to try to turn that to good ends. Since I'm manipulative, I can try to become a benevolent mastermind guiding people to the best possible outcome. Since I'm heartless, then I can use my inability to feel emotions the right way to stay calm and do the things real people with normal emotions can't handle. I have to become competent, self-sufficient, and above all else useful so that I can make up for my inability to get right anything that actually matters.
But I'm just the asshole without the utility, so it always blows up in my face and ends in disaster. Withdrawing for a few months was okay. But the second I start trying to be useful again, I lose it and go for an open wound that I know is there just because my own pride was struck at. You've never seen it before because I haven't been letting myself try anything like that for the past half a year.
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My understanding of myself is that I'm just an inherently bad person and the things I do are always selfish and toxic. It's something I've come to see growing up, especially after I made a copy of myself to talk to. The more I was exposed to him, the more I was sure that my friends were right about me being an aloof mastermind more machine than man.
That kind of person isn't the kind of person anyone wants to be around if there's nothing to make up for it. So since I'm like that, but I don't want to be alone, the only thing that makes sense is to try to turn that to good ends. Since I'm manipulative, I can try to become a benevolent mastermind guiding people to the best possible outcome. Since I'm heartless, then I can use my inability to feel emotions the right way to stay calm and do the things real people with normal emotions can't handle. I have to become competent, self-sufficient, and above all else useful so that I can make up for my inability to get right anything that actually matters.
But I'm just the asshole without the utility, so it always blows up in my face and ends in disaster. Withdrawing for a few months was okay. But the second I start trying to be useful again, I lose it and go for an open wound that I know is there just because my own pride was struck at. You've never seen it before because I haven't been letting myself try anything like that for the past half a year.